Grooming the Groom

Preface 

Gen Z boys, growing up in urban nuclear families, are witnessing a solitary environment far removed from the closely knit communities of yore. With hardly anyone to guide them in matters related to manhood and marriage, they often turn to the internet or to friends who are as clueless as they are.

The Qur'an, being a complete code of life, dedicates several of its passages to elaborate upon interhuman relations. This is in complete contrast to the attention it grants to the ‘pillars of Islam’ like prayers and fasting and zakat and hajj. The Qur'an leaves it to Prophet Muhammad ﷺ to explain how and when to offer namaz, what is the nisab for zakat, how to perform hajj and their associated rulings. But when it comes to family matters, the Qur'an dives into minute details, even discussing rare situations and exceptional cases. In the ayat that I have quoted above, God reminds us of His grandeur by citing that He has created mankind from water, and made their relations through bloodlines and marriage. Yet, and as ironical as it might seem, they are rarely expounded from the pulpit or taught in religious circles.

This book seeks to bridge that gap and fill that vacuum, sharing with GenZ boys the treasure trove of knowledge and wisdom that the Qur'an and Hadith have left for them, for it is theirs to rightfully inherit. 

From why and when and whom to marry, to the ideal relationship between husband and wife, and their mutual rights and responsibilities, from balancing between multiple wives, to the nuances of love and arranged marriages, to the Islamic rulings and etiquettes regarding engagement, nikah and meher, and delicate subjects like the first night and honeymoon, and the rules and etiquettes of intimacy, the options you have about family planning and contraception, and tips to a happy married life, this blog covers all these, and even goes beyond, and helps you in resolving marital disputes, and explains the details of talaq, khula and halalah, so that no question remains unanswered, and the groom enters the matrimonial alliance with complete clarity and conviction.

I hope this book clears the air on many taboo topics, and helps you navigate your way to your next phase of life - manhood.

Your brother,

Dr. Parvez Mandviwala 

Why marry?

When it comes to marriage, there are two very deviant ideologies at either extremes that are most prevalent: Monasticism and Hedonism

1. Monasticism:

This idea holds the view that married life is inherently incompatible with piety. Priests practice monasticism and abstinence (ब्रह्मचर्य), while the common men treat is as a ‘necessary evil’ required for procreation. 

But the Qur'an says that God did not ordain this practice of monasticism to begin with, and those who chose this way - ostensibly to please God - could not abide by its strict code either.

“As for monasticism, they made it up—We never ordained it for them—only seeking to please Allah, yet they did not ˹even˺ observe it strictly.”

[Surah Hadeed, ayat 27]

The Qur'an, instead, has asked the unmarried to get married.

“Marry off the bachelors among you....”

[Surah Noor, ayat 32]

In a Hadith narrated by Anas bin Malik ؓ , three men approach the Prophet's wives , enquiring about his worship routine. Perceiving it to be less than what should be expected of sinful men like them, they decide to up the ante. One of them vows to fast everyday, the second decides to pray all night, while the third one swears he would never marry. When Prophet Muhammad ﷺ learnt of this, he admonished them and said, “I am the most fearful of God, but I fast some days and don't fast on others, I pray a part of the night and also sleep, and I marry and have wives too. This is my way (Sunnah). He who deviates from my way is not from me.”

[Saheeh Muslim]

2. Hedonism 

The postmodern idea believes in free sex outside marriage, having girlfriends, mistresses, live-in relationships and even homosexual relationships. And those who don't have a partner are encouraged to masturbate watching porn.

All this is absolutely, unequivocally haram in Islam, regardless of age and consent. But a glimpse of this is seen even amongst pious men. I have asked many grooms why they wish to marry, and the most common answer is, “To fulfil our sexual desires in a halal way”, which in other words means, “To gain a lisense to sex”! This attitude reduces and relegates the status of the wife to a mere sex object. Muslim men have been admonished in the Qur'an not to regard women as mere sex-objects. In the 24th ayat of Surah Nisa, and the 5th ayat of Surah Maidah, they have been asked to seek chastity even in marriage.

While it cannot be denied that sex is an essential and integral part of marriage, and it is indeed a halal way of fulfilling one's sexual desires, that should not the primary purpose of marriage. The very first Hadith of Saheeh Bukhari tells us that our actions are judged by our intentions. Having the right intentions is fundamental to the acceptance of a deed as an act of ibadah, elevating it from a mere worldly affair.

From what we have discussed above, the primary intention of marriage is to obey the divine command and follow the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ 

The Prophet has said that marriage completes half of our deen.

“When a man marries he has fulfilled half of the religion; so let him fear God regarding the remaining half.”

[Anasؓ : Mishkat al-Masabih #3096]

Moreover, a righteous spouse is a means of coolness of ones eyes. And to that end we pray:

“O our Lord, grant us from among our wives and children the coolness of our eyes.”

[Surah alFurqan, ayat 74]

A righteous wife is the best treasure a man can ever have in this world. Prophet Muhammad ﷺ has said, “This world is but provisions, and there is no provision in this world better than a righteous wife.”

[Abdullah ibn Amrؓ : Sunan Ibn Majah #1855]

When to marry?

The simple answer is, marry as soon as you have the means to do so. Marriage is an ibadah and a means to guard one's chastity and fulfil ones deen, and it should hence not be delayed. But marriage is also about responsibility, and fulfilling this responsibilities obviously requires money. You should not jump into marriage if you do not have the wherewithals to financially support your wife and future kids.

The 33rd ayat of Surah Noor alludes to this fact:

“Let those who do not have the means to marry keep themselves chaste until Allah enriches them out of His bounty.”

Whom to marry?

As we have seen, your wife would be a very important part of your life. This makes it utmost necessary to marry a good and righteous woman.

The very first condition is that the bride shoud be a Muslim, or at least from the People of the Book.

“Do not marry polytheistic women until they believe; for a believing slave-woman is better than a free polytheist, even though she may look pleasant to you. And do not marry your women to polytheistic men until they believe, for a believing slave-man is better than a free polytheist, even though he may look pleasant to you. They invite you to the Fire while Allah invites you to Paradise and forgiveness by His grace. He makes His revelations clear to the people so perhaps they will be mindful.”

[Surah alBaqarah, ayat 221]

“Permissible for you in marriage are chaste believing women as well as chaste women of the People of the Book - as long as you pay them their dowries in wedlock, neither fornicating nor taking them as mistresses.”

[Surah alMaidah, ayat 5]

In one Hadith, Prophet Muhammad ﷺ has asked us to choose deen over wealth, family status and beauty.

“A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers.”

[Abu Hurairahؓ : Saheeh Bukhari #5090]

This is because the first three are temporal and fleeting, while the fourth (deen) is sound and everlasting.

Also, a wealthy woman might treat you with contempt, and so would one with a high family status. A woman who is exceptionally beautiful can succumb to the fitna of her beauty and might betray you. A wife is not a showpiece to be displayed around, she is your life partner who would pave your path to Paradise. Hence, be prudent and choose wisely.

The Qur'an makes it very clear that immoral women are for immoral men, and righteous men ought to marry only righteous women.

Immoral women deserve immoral men, and immoral men deserve immoral women. And pure women are worthy of pure men, and pure men are worthy of pure women.

[Surah Noor, ayat 26]

Now, the tricky part. You see, a woman's wealth, family status and beauty are quite obvious, but how would you determine her piety? You can, at best, judge the piety of the bride's father and brother from some external signs like punctuality in the masjid and adherence to the Sunnah. But that does not guarantee that their daughter/sister is also a pious lady. You can, at best, get in touch with her friends and neighbours, and hope they offer an honest appraisal of her character. But since piety is a matter of the heart, and a person's character is not always written on his/her face, this is a gamble most people play. What you need to do is investigate to the best of your ability and resources, and leave the rest to God. Offer two rakaats of namaz e istakhara and pray to God, “O God, if in Your unbound knowledge and wisdom, this girl is the right wife for me, with respect to my deen and duniya and akhirah, then grant make this path smooth and incline my heart towards this alliance. And if, in Your unbound knowledge and wisdom, this girl is not the right wife for me, with respect to my deen and duniya and akhirah, then create obstacles this path smooth and incline my heart away from this alliance. I repose my trust in You, for it is You who know, and I know nought.”

You should also remember that when you are seeking a wife, you are actually seeking the mother of your future kids. Prophet Muhammad ﷺ does not mince words when he says,

“Choose the best (womb) for your sperm, and marry compatible women and propose marriage to them.”

[Aishahؓ : Sunan Ibn Majah #1968]

The compatibility (kufu) mentioned in this Hadith is also of immense importance. Although Islam does not distinguish or discriminate on the basis of caste and class and language and colour, it always helps if the married couple has the same education, they speak the same language, belong to the same race and culture, and come from similar financial backgrounds. And incompatiblity in this regard can strain the marriage. And even if there must be some difference, it is always better for the groom to have better credentials in this regard than the bride. A wealthy or highly educated groom marrying a woman who is below him in these traits is still acceptable, but a wealthy or highly educated bride marrying a man who is below him in these matters is a recipe for disaster.

Age gap is not a significant factor here, nor is the bride’s and groom’s widow/divorcee status. The most successful marriages have had varying age gaps and marital statuses. While Syedna Ali ؓ was merely 6 years older than Syeddah Fatimah ؓ, and they both were young and previously unmarried, our illustrious mother, Lady Khadihah ؓ , twice widowed and 40 years old, was 15 years older than the young and previously unmarried Muhammad bin Abdullah ﷺ who was 25 at that time. Twenty five years later, when Prophet Muhammad had crossed 50, and was himself a widower, he married two women of varying ages - one was an elderly lady named Saudah, who was also a widow, and the other was Aishah, who was quite young, and the only wife of the Prophet who was not a widow or a divorcee.

Marrying your cousins is certainly allowed in Islam (and in a broader sense, all men and women are ultimately cousins of each other), but care should be taken if there's a family history of genetic disorders erupting from intermarriages. I do not wish to go into the details of genetic science, but what you should know is that if the recessive genes of the same trait come together, the child would be born with that recessive trait. Also, certain fatal diseases like haemophilia are hereditary. Hence, it is very important to discuss the medical history of the prospective bride.

The lists of those relatives whom you CANNOT marry have been given in Surah Nisa’s ayaat 22&23. You might want to check that out.

Relationship between husband and wife

The Qur'an describes the relationship between a husband and his wife one of God's signs. 

“And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect.”

[Surah Room, ayat 21]

Is it any less than a miracle, that two complete strangers, the moment they enter into matrimonial alliance, become most beloved to each other? It is indeed God who places love and compassion and mercy in their hearts for each other, making them a couple, and the basic unit of human society. Their mutual love is so deeply entrenched that it is often noted that old couples survive on each other, and the moment one of them passes away, the other spouse also passes away in the next few weeks. 

Another fascinating word that the Qur'an uses to describe the spouse is libaas (garments). It says:

“They (your wives) are your garments, and you are theirs.”

[Surah alBaqarah, ayat 187]

Sociologists call this the most apt description of a married couple - that they are each other's garments. To understand this, ponder over what a garment does.

1. Protects you from harm and rough weather. So do spouse protect each other from external harm.

2. Comforts you. So do spouses comfort each other.

3. Conceals your bodily imperfections and ugly marks. So do spouses conceal each other's faults and imperfections.

4. Conceals your shame and dignifies you. So do spouses dignify each other

5. Beautifies you. So do spouses beautify each other.

6. Compeltes you. So do spouses complete each other.

7. Closest to your body. So are spouses closest to each other.

8. Fits you perfectly. So do spouses complement each other.

Can you think of more reasons why this allegory perfectly describes the pure relationship between a husband and his wife?

The Qur'an also tells us that your wives are your garden/fields. But we'll discuss this in more detail in the next section.

Mutual rights and responsibilities 

Islam does not believe in gender equality; it believes in gender justice. Gender roles are a reality in Islam. Men would get their due and so would women, and both would have to fulfil their respective responsibilities too.

When it comes to the mutual positions of a man and a woman in matrimonial alliance, the Qur'an says:

“Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allah would have them guard....”

[Surah Nisa, ayat 34]

Man, is thus expected to act as the head of his family and provide for them. The wife, on jert part, is expected to obey her husband (in just causes), and guard her chastity and honour in her husband’s absence. In just causes, because all obedience would ultimately be subservient to divine obedience, and no person can be compelled to obey any human being if it means disobeying God.

In the 228th ayat of Surah alBaqarah, God says:

“Wives have rights in proportion to the responsibilities put upon them, as per recognised norms; but men have a degree over them. And God (has determined so because He) is Almighty and all-Wise.”

Men are called upon to use this privilege and position judiciously, and treat their wives kindly and fairly. God actually advocates on their behalf when He says:

“O believers! It is not permissible for you to inherit women against their will or mistreat them to make them return some of the dowry ˹as a ransom for divorce˺—unless they are found guilty of adultery. Treat them fairly. If you happen to dislike them, you may hate something which Allah turns into a great blessing.”

[Surah Nisa, ayat 19]

Here, not only has God instructed men to not mistreat their wives or blackmail them, and not only has He asked them to treat them kindly and fairly, but God has also gone ahead and called even those wives a great blessing who are disliked by their husbands for whatever reason. That makes this so special is that this phrase, khairan kaseeran (great blessing) has been used only at one other place in the Qur'an, and it has been used for wisdom [2:269]!

A few passages after calling women the garments of their husbands, the Qur'an compares them to farmlands.

“Your wives are your fields.”

[Surah alBaqarah, ayat 223]

Just as a farmer loves, cherishes and protects his farmland from all harm, so also, a man is expected to love, cherish and protect his wife.

Rights and responsibilities apart, what makes a marriage truly successful is mutual trust and respect. Rights and responsibilities are the very basic foundations of any contract, marriage being one such contract. But if you truly want to have a blissful married life, you need to go beyond rights and responsibilities, and sincerely trust and honour each other.

Multiple wives

Islam does not require you to marry more than one wife, but it certainly permits you to do so. And even then, it caps the total number of wives a man can simultaneously have to 4.

Also, if you have more than one wife, then you need to compulsorily treat them all justly. This has been mentioned as a necessary condition for a second marriage.

“You can marry women of your choice - two, three or four - but if you fear that you would not be able to deal justly with them, then marry only one.”

[Surah Nisa, ayat 3]

Further down the same Surah, God instructs men that even if they cannot naturally love all their wives equally, they should never neglect any one of them.

“You will never be able to treat your wives with equal fairness, however much you may desire to do so, but do not ignore one wife altogether, leaving her suspended [between marriage and divorce]. And if you make amends and act righteously, surely God is most forgiving and merciful.”

[Surah Nisa, ayat 129]

Love vs Arranged marriages 

Both are equally permissible in Islam. What is not permitted is a love affair or elopement. Even if the boy and girl come to like each other and wish to marry each other, they need to obtain the permission of the bride's father (her wali).

In the 221st ayat quoted earlier, you might have noticed that when it comes to men, the Qur'an says “Do not marry disbelievers”, but when it comes to women, the Qur'an says “Do not marry off your girls to disbelievers”. This means that while a man can marry a woman on his own accord, the woman would be married off by her wali; she cannot marry any man of her own accord. 

While this is very clear in an arranged marriage, when it comes to love marriages, any man desirous of marrying any woman, needs to approach the woman's father and ask him for her hand in marriage. And if a woman desires to marry a man, she needs to approach her father and request him to marry her off to the man of her choice. 

When we look at Surah Nisa, it becomes apparent that the marriage should ideally take place with the glad consent of both families. In the 36th ayat, it has been mentioned that in case of a dispute between the couple, arbitrators from both families should sit and try to resolve the matter and seek reconciliation. It is but obvious that this can happen only when both families had initially agreed to their marriage, and had been willingly participated in bringing them together.

Both, men and women can initiate the marriage proposal. In one of the most successful this world has ever seen, it was our virtuous mother Khadijah ؓ who had sent the marriage proposal to our Master, Prophet Muhammad ﷺ through her friend Nafisa. Nafisa convinced the elders of both parties and had the noble marriage facilitated. 

Engagement

Islam does not recognise any such formal ritual or ceremony, but ‘engaging’ the other party by means of sending a proposal, lest they continue to seek other alliances, is not unIslamic either. What is unIslamic is exchanging rings (for it is a ritual that non-Muslims practice), and holding lavish functions and ceremonies. While exchanging gifts cannot be called unIslamic, making that a part of ritual certainly is an innovation.

And when you receive a proposal, you should accept it. Window shopping for brides and grooms, and rejecting many to finally accept one, is not only unIslamic, but it also causes immense emotional hurt to the ones being rejected.

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ has said,

The Messenger of Allah said: "When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with comes to you then marry (her to) him. If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (Fitnah) in the land and discord (Fasad)." They said: "O Messenger of Allah! What if there was something about him?" He said: "When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with comes to you then marry him." (And he ﷺ said this) three times.

[Jame alTirmizi, 1085]

If you come to know that someone has already sent a marriage proposal to a woman, and she has accepted it, you should not propose to her, unless the first suitor gives up or gives you permission.

Ibn 'Umarؓ narrated that the Prophet ﷺ said: “No man should offer a proposal of marriage over the proposal of his brother until the first one gives up or gives him permission”.

[Saheeh Bukhari #4848 and Saheeh Muslim #1412]

This is because it causes enmity and violates the rights of the first suitor. Prophet Muhammad ﷺ strictly forbade this, stating a man should not propose until the first suitor marries her or gives her up. 

And if either party wants to break the engagement, they should clearly communicate the same to the other party.

Nikah

Nikah is a very simple procedure in Islam, and involves zero expenditure.

There are two faraiz:

1. ijaab and qabool (i.e. the bride and groom accept each other as their spouse)

2. Two witnesses

There is one wajib act:

1. Stupulating the meher, which should ideally be paid on the spot.

There are three Sunnahs:

1. Reciting the sermon

2. Distributing sweets

3. Hosting a walima (by the groom)

Ideally, the father of the bride should officiate the nikah. He should first seek the consent of his daughter for the marriage. Once (and only if) that is obtained, he will approach the groom and tell him, “I, in the presence these two witnesses, offer you my daughter's hand in marriage, against so-and-so amount of meher. Do you accept it?” If the groom replies in the affirmative, the nikah has been solemnised. Done.

Islam has abolished the institution of priesthood; we do not have priests and purohits in Islam. Hence, it is quite sad and unfortunate that we still insist on hiring a maulvi to solemnise our weddings and lead the funeral prayers of our loved ones. Why, we even hire maulvis to sacrifice out goats on Eid ul Azha, reducing all these solemn occasions to mere formalities!

Meher is a financial security which the groom pays the bride. It should not be so insignificant that if is rendered meaningless, nor should it be so high that it is beyond the capacity of the groom to actually pay it. It should be according to the financial capacity of the groom; his month's income being the workable standard. This meher should be paid generous, with an open heart, and not looked down upon as a fine or tax. The Qur'an emphasizes upon this point at several places - the 4th and 24th ayaat of Surah Nisa, for instance.

The groom will then take his bride home, and host a walima, to announce that he has married this lady, and if you see her frequenting this house, you should know that it is because she is my legally wedded wife. This walima can be as small and humble as a small round of snacks shared with close friends and neighbour. And if even that is beyond his means, the guests can get along their own meals and eat together. Throwing lavish parties is not the idea behind hosting a walima. 

When Abdur Rahman bin Auf ؓ got married, he did not even inform the Prophet. Such is the simplicity of nikah 

The Prophet (ﷺ) seeing a yellow mark (of perfume) on the clothes of `Abdur-Rahman bin `Auf, said, "What about you?" `Abdur-Rahman replied, "I have married a woman with a Mahr of gold equal to a date-stone." The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "May Allah bestow His Blessing on you (in your marriage). Give a wedding banquet, (walima) even with one sheep."

[Anasؓ : Saheeh Bukhari #6386]

And never make your walima a pompous and ostentatious gathering of the rich, ignoring the poor of your society. Prophet Muhammad ﷺ has said, “The worst meal is that of a walima to which only the rich are invited, whilst the poor are left out.”

[Saheeh Bukhari #4882]

‘Uqbah ibn ‘Amir reported: The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “The best marriage is one that is easiest.”

In another narration, the Prophet said, “The best dowry is one that is easiest.”

 [Saheeh Ibn Hibban #4163]

Simply writing an'nikah min sunnati on your wedding cards would not bring barakah in your marriage; following the sunnah will. In Surah Hashr, God says that the hypocrites are more scared of the government than they are scared of God. During the lockdown, when the government had imposed restrictions on large weddings, people obediently held simple weddings. Are we any better than the hypocrites of 7th Century Madinah?

Dowry/jahez has no place in Islam. Hosting the baraat to a meal by booking a hall and spending several times beyond ones capacity by incurring years of debt, has no place in Islam. It is an unnecessary burden that Islam has not subjected the bride's father to. Such functions should ideally be boycotted, so that this trend wanes away into extinction. The groom's family should not insist on such oprresive practices. Public campaigns should be run to eradicate such social evils.

First night 

The first night, or suhaag raat, is the most memorable night in the life of a married pair. It is the night they first meet as husband and wife, and become two bodies - one soul, and become a ‘couple’. They become garments of each other, and God inspires love, compassion and mercy in their hearts for each other.

If your house has sufficient privacy, or you have a separate bedroom (preferably with an attached bathroom), then you need not check into a hotel. If not, then a good hotel room is the most appropriate and convenient place to begin this journey. Similarly, going on a small trip (commonly referred to as the honeymoon) is also a good idea; it helps the couple to know each other better and spend some private quality time with each other before returning to life's mundane routine.

It is but natural and expected that both would have butterflies in their stomachs, but women are innately more shy and bashful than men. She is also scared, and sad to leave the house of her parents, which had until that day been her house too. Leaving behind everything to come live with a man who was no more than a stranger a while ago is not at all easy. Hence, it is the man who would have to take the initiative of breaking the ice. He should start by offering her a gift and engaging in some light banter to put her at ease.

When to consummate the marriage is also a very tricky question. Some women wish to go easy, and gradually open up; they might get traumatized at having sex with a complete stranger. 

But human psychology is very complex. Some women, who expect sex on the first night, might feel depressed if the husband does not consummate the marriage on the first night; she might feel that he does not find her attractive enough.

The solution is to begin by comforting her. The husband would obviously make the first move, but he needs to go ahead based on the wife's response. Some shyness and bashfulness on her part is quite natural, but to go ahead or not will depend entirely on how the chemistry holds. Respect her emotions if she does not find herself ready for it on the first night.

And you should know that women bleed a bit when the marriage is consummated, because it ruptures their hymen (a thin sheet of tissue at the cervix). That is pretty normal, and a sign of their virginity. But if the wife does not bleed, one should not jump to conclusions. These days, the hymen can rupture during teenage years because of other reasons too, like sports, for instance.

The first sex is often painful for the bride, and uncomfortable for the groom because of the tightness of the vaginal orifice and (there can even be) lack of lubrication. This issue can be resolved by using lubricants, preferably water-based ones. Take care to use good, branded ones instead of cheaper alternatives.

And in all this celebration and euphoria, namaz should not take a backseat. Don't miss out on your isha and fajr prayers; the start of your new life should not begin by being negligent towards namaz, for nothing can be more inauspicious than that!

Sex

Sex with your wife is counted as an ibadah in Islam. The blessed companions were astonished to hear this from the Prophet. They submitted, O Messenger of Allah, is there reward for him who satisfies his sexual passion among us? He replied: “Tell me, if he were to devote it to something forbidden, would it not be a sin on his part? Similarly, if he were to devote it to something lawful, he should have a reward.”

And as with all forms of ibadah there are certain rules and etiquettes that one needs to follow. Let us begin by citing two ayaat from Surah alBaqarah - 222 and 223

“They ask you about menstruation. Say, ‘It is an impurity (or cause of hurt), so keep away from women during it and do not approach them until they are cleansed when they are cleansed you may approach them as God has ordained. God loves those who turn to Him in penitence and He loves those who keep themselves clean.”

“Your wives are your fields. Go, then, into your fields as you will. Send ahead [some good] for yourselves (or, be concerned about your future), and fear God, and know that you shall meet Him.’ Give good tidings to the believers.”

Some points that the scholars have derived from these ayaat are:

1. Sex is forbidden during menstruation (regardless of whether it is a cause of hurt or impurity or not).

2. Anal sex has been forbidden (because ahadith tell us that that is not how God has ordained it).

3. Your wives are your fields. We have discussed this ayat before. What I want to add in on this section is that just as a person does not always visit his field to sow seeds, having sex without the intention of impregnating your wife is also allowed.

4. The phrase as you will suggests that sex can be performed as and when desired. Save the two prohibitions mentioned above (sex during periods and anal sex), all sexual positions are allowed, provided both of them are comfortable with it, and no physical or emotional harm is caused to any of them.

Foreplay

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ has also encouraged men to engage in foreplay before penetration.

"None of you should fulfil one's sexual needs from one's wife like an animal, rather there should be between them a messenger." The companions asked, "What is the messenger?" The Prophet ﷺ said, "Kissing and words”.

Always pay meticulous attention to your personal hygiene. Make sure that your mouth doesn't stink when you kiss your wife, nor does your body stink of sweat when you hug her. Regularly trim your axillary and pubic hair. Be gentle with her and with your own self. Cherish her as a gardener would cherish a flower.

Family planning and contraception 

As discussed in the previous section, every act of entering the field should not necessarily be intended at sowing seeds. Unlike some Christian sects, Islam does not regard sex as a necessary evil; it is as much a source of recreation as it is a source of procreation. When to have a child, and jow many children to have, is a question best left to the couple to discuss and decide upon. Islam has permitted cartain contraceptive techniques, and a couple can well make use of them in order to delay the pregnancy, or have sufficient gaps between their kids.

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ had multiple wives, but he had children from only one of them. And this was not because he had lost his virility, because we know that he had fathered a child in the final years of his life through Maria the Coptic. This makes it evident that the Prophet practised contraception too.

There are certain safe and permitted means of contraception. They are:

1. Having sex during the safe period. This safe period spans roughly from a week before the menstrual periods to a week after the periods. But this is not a very reliable method, especially if your wife has irregular periods or a hormonal imbalance. 

2. Coitus interruptus or 'azl. This refers to withdrawing the penis from the wife's vagina immediately before orgasm, and ejaculating outside. This is something that the blessed companions practised, and the Prophet did not forbid it. But coitus interruptus requires immense self control, which is not quite possible for newly weds. Hence, it should not be relied upon. The safest way is to use a condom until that self control to withdraw at the heat of the moment is developed.

3. Using condoms. Since barrier contraceptives like condoms also fall under the same technical definition of ejaculating outside the vagina, they fall udner the ruling of coitus interruptus, and are hence permissible. But if you do plan to use a condom, never use flavoured ones because the chemicals used on the outer part of the condom to give it a flavour can irritate the vagina. And some condoms have an anaesthetic gel painted in the inner surface to numb the head of the penis, thus delaying orgasm. Always invest in some good quality condoms instead of settling for cheaper and unreliable alternatives. And there's a technique to wear them. So if you do intend to use them, it is better you practice wearing it before your marriage, so that you don't fumble with it when you actually need it. A potential side effect can be allegry to latex; so if you or your wife are allergic to it, discontinue using condoms and opt for other contraceptive techniques.

You should never use contraceptive techniques that cause permanent changes in your bodies. Hence, procedures like vasectomy and hysterectomy are forbidden unless there is a medical indication.

Also, goes without saying, that procedures like abortion and foeticide are strictly forbidden, even if the prenatal scans show abnormalities in the developing foetus. The only exception is a medical emergency; the foetus should be aborted only if it threatens the life of the expectant mother. If there is a situation where only one of the two can be saved, saving the life of the mother would be paramount.

Tips to a happy married life

Imam Ahmad bin Hanbal ؒ had listed down ten points of advice for his newly married son on his wedding day. Here is an English translation of the same.

Dear son, you will not attain good fortune in your home except by 10 characteristics which you show to your wife, so remember them and be enthusiastic in acting upon them.

As for the first two; women like attention and they like to be told clearly that they are loved. So don’t be stingy in expressing your love for your wife. If you become limited in expressing your love, you will create a barrier of harshness between you and her, and there will be a decrease in affection.

3, Ladies hate a strict, overcautious man, yet they seek to use the soft vulnerable one. So use each quality appropriately. This will be more appealing for love and it will bring you peace of mind.

4. Ladies like from their husbands what their husbands like from them, i.e. kind words, good looks, clean clothes and a pleasant odour. Therefore, always remain in that state.

5, Indeed, the house is under the sovereignty of the woman. While she remains therein, she feels that she is sitting upon her throne, and that she is the chief of the house . Stay clear of destroying this kingdom of hers and do not ever attempt to dethrone her, otherwise you will be trying to snatch her sovereignty. A king gets most angry at he who tries to strip him of his authority, even if he portrays to show something else.

6. A woman wants to love her husband, but at the same time she does not want to lose her family. So do not put yourself and her family in the same scale, because then her choice will be down to either you or her family. And even if she does choose you over her family, she will remain in anxiety, which will then turn into hatred towards you in your daily life.

7. Surely woman has been created from a curved rib, and this is the secret of her beauty, and the secret of the attraction towards her. And this is no defect in her, because ‘the eyebrows look beautiful due to them being curved’. So if she errs, do not rebuke her in a manner in which there is no gentleness, attempting to straighten her; otherwise you will simply break her and her breaking, is her divorce. At the same time do not let her off upon that mistake, otherwise her crookedness will increase and she will become arrogant with her ego. Thereafter, she will never soften for you and she won’t listen to you, so stay in between the two.

8. It is in the women’s nature to be ungrateful towards their husbands and to deny favours. If you were to be nice to her for her whole life but you grieved her once, she will say, “I have never seen any good from you”. So don’t let this attitude of her make you dislike her or to run away from her. If you dislike this feature of hers, you will be pleased with some other good habits within her, so create a balance.

9. Surely there are times when a woman goes through some conditions of bodily weakness and fatigue of the mind. Such that Allah has relieved her of some of her compulsory worships during that period; Allah has totally pardoned her from praying, and has postponed the days of fasting for her within this break to a later date until she regains her health and becomes normal in her temperament once more. Thus, during these days, treat her in a godly manner. Just as Allah has relieved her of the duties, you should also lessen your demands and instructions from her during those days.

10. Last but not least, know that a woman is like a captive with you. Therefore, have mercy upon her.

[I have borrowed this from tafseer-raheemi.com. It has been translated by Abdul Rahim, and edited by Maulana Abdus Subhan]

How to resolve marital disputes

Whenever we enter into any agreement, we always learn about how mutual disputes amongst the ones party to that argument would be resolved, and the terms of how that agreement would be terminated. But when it comes to the aqd of nikah, grooms and brides enter into this agreement without having any idea about the options available to them vis-à-vis resolving those arguments or exiting the agreement althogether. Hence, it seems germane that we delve into this important aspect of marriage too. 

Islam regards family as the basic unit of society. A strong family is vital to a strong society, while a weak and crumbled family structure undermines the very roots of the social framework. Hence, a family needs to be kept healthy at all costs. Divorce is not the rule, but the exception. Of all the permissible things in Islam, the most detestable in the sight of God is divorce. The Qur’an instructs man to be kind to his wife just as it instructs the 

wife to be dutiful towards her husband.

“Live with your wives in kindness. For if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike a 

thing, and Allah makes therein much good.” [Surah anNisa’, ayat 19]

But if the relationship between a married couple becomes so strained that it threatens their peace, that of their children and the peace of society at large, then divorce is provided as a valid vent. If the husband initiates the divorce, it is called Talaq, and if the wife initiates the 

divorce, it is called Khula, in which she approaches a Qazi and applies for the dissolution of her marriage. The Qazi hears out both parties and grants the divorce if he is convinced of 

its merits over the continuation of the marriage. This makes it clear that initiating divorce is not the sole prerogative of the husband; the wife is also entitled to initiate it, only the procedure differs.

The Qur’an lays down the steps that are to be taken in the event of a marital discord. Allow me to explain the entire procedure with the help of some flowcharts.

Let us begin with Surah anNisa’. There are four steps prescribed to resolve marital discords in ayaat 34 and 35.

In the 34th ayat, the husband has been told to:

1. Advise his wife. If this fails to resolve the issue,

2. Forsake her in bed, i.e. stay in separate rooms. If even this fails,

3. Beat her lightly to show your displeasure. Contemporary Egyptian scholar Abd alHalim Abu Shaqqa refers to the opinions of jurists Ibn Hajar al-Asqalani and alShawkani who state that this should only be done in extraordinary circumstances. 

Abu Shaqqa refers to the edict of Hanafi scholar al-Jassas (d. 981) who notes that 

the reprimand should be ‘a non-violent tap with siwak (a small stick used to clean 

the teeth) or something similar’.

If the issue is resolved (by any of these steps), the husband has been instructed not to seek any means against her. 

But if the issue remains unresolved and they are unable to solve their marital problems on their own, in the 35th ayat, the relatives have been told, “If you fear dissention between the two, appoint two arbitrators- one from his family and another from her family. If they wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation, for Allah has full knowledge, and is acquainted with all things.”

Talaq:

If all the four steps mentioned above fail to resolve their differences, the husband and wife are allowed to proceed for divorce.

The man has been asked to then sit with his wife - preferably in the presence of family members or other witnesses – and calmly tell he, “We have tried everything we could to save this marriage, but we couldn’t. So I pronounce Talaq.” This would be uttered only ONCE.

This Talaq would be pronounced on a day when the wife is ritually clean (not menstruating) and the couple has not had any sexual relations after her last periods. This means that if a man gets angry with his wife and decides to divorce her, he would have to wait till she gets her 

periods and then gets clean before he can pronounce Talaq.

There are two advantages here:

1. It buys time, during which his anger might subside and he might change his decision.

2. Because of hormonal disturbances, women have mood swings during their periods, and 

that is when fights usually take place. Any decision taken during these days can be 

hazardous.

Before proceeding further, readers are requested to study:

Surah alBaqarah ayaat 227-232

Surah atTalaq ayaat 1-7

The pronouncement of Talaq does not mean that the couple has undergone separation. 

They would continue to stay in the same house till the completion of iddat (three menstrual periods or, if pregnant, till the end of pregnancy. If the wife does not get periods because of menopause or any other reason, the iddat would be of three lunar months). During the iddat, the wife would neither be evicted from her marital house, nor would she herself leave. The couple would stay in the same house and the husband would look after her 

expenses as before. If they mend their relationship during this iddat (i.e. do ruju), they would continue to live as husband and wife, and no separation would take place. If the iddat lapses without any reconciliation, the separation would take place, and the Talaq-eRajai (revocable Talaq) would now become Talaq-e-Bain (binding Talaq). The husband would give her some parting gifts as per his financial capacity and see her off. The wife is now free from wedlock; she can marry another man.

Many people are oblivious of the fact that any such thing as a single Talaq even exists. Popular media has taught them that there can only be three Talaqs. The above discussion, however, makes it very clear that the couple can separate and lead their own independent lives even after the first Talaq, without having to pronounce Talaq for the second or third time.

If the man and the lady, after separation, feel that they should not have separated, and the lady is not married to anyone else, they can again directly marry each other with the stipulation of a new meher. 

Now, if the couple has mended their relationship during the iddat or they have remarried each other after the iddat has lapsed, and at some point of life again have a dispute which cannot be resolved by the steps mentioned in Surah anNisa’ [first chart], the husband would 

once again pronounce Talaq once. This would be his second Talaq. The same steps would follow as for the first Talaq. [See second chart]

This entire procedure can take place only twice between a couple. This is to ensure that divorce neither becomes a joke nor does it become a tool of mental torture which the husband would use to threaten his wife every other day. Since a revocable divorce is permissible only twice, the husband is expected to use this clause very cautiously and 

judiciously. The 4 steps of Surah anNisa’ [first chart] can, albeit, take place n number of times. If the husband pronounces Talaq for the third time, the couple would no longer have any option of saving their marriage. The iddat would be observed, but there would 

not be any ruju (reconciliation). This is called Talaq-e-Mugallazah (final Talaq). The wife would be free from the wedlock after the iddat ends. She can now marry another man, but she is no longer allowed to marry her former husband.

It can very well be appreciated that this procedure saves marriages instead of granting instant divorces; and at the same time, it becomes easier for the couple to separate if they have no intention of reconciling with each other. Western law adopts such a skewed procedure for divorce, and the alimony the wife receives is at times so high, that people have discarded the institution of marriage altogether, leading to a complete collapse of the family system. On the other hand, some religions have made it almost impossible for couples to file for divorce; they continue to endure suffocating relationships without any succour whatsoever. Islam has carved out the balanced and middle path. It has discouraged divorces, but has also given couples the liberty to opt out of stifling relationships. At every step in this procedure, it allows the couple to reconcile with each other and give their 

marriage another chance. It neither burdens the man nor the lady. Utmost care has been taken to make the entire procedure as soothing as possible, providing for ample means of 

relief and rehabilitation for the man, the lady and also their children. 

Triple Talaq:

Giving all three Talaqs in a single sitting (which is referred to as Triple Talaq these days) is called Talaq-e-Bidat. It is reprehensible in Islam because the man overrides all the provisions God had stipulated to mend relations and dissolves the marriage without following the procedures which could have saved his marriage. Triple Talaq is an injustice 

not only to the wife, but also to the husband pronouncing the Talaq, the kids and the society as a whole. The Muslim society needs to be educated about the proper method of Talaq enshrined in Islam (Talalq-e-Ehsan, which has been explained above) and cautioned 

against the demerits of Talaq-e-Bidat.

Halalah:

We have learnt in the preceding pages that after the Third Talaq, the man cannot directly marry his ex-wife, as he could after the first and second Talaq.

The Qur’an says, “So if a husband divorces his wife (for the third time), he cannot, after that, re-marry her until after she has married another husband and he has divorced her. In that case there is no blame on either of them if they re-unite, 

provided they feel that they can keep the limits ordained by Allah. Such are the 

limits ordained by Allah, which He makes plain to those who understand.”

[Surah alBaqarah, ayat 230]

If the lady who has been divorced thrice marries another man, and if that marriage also gets annulled (i.e. either that man divorces her or he passes away), then she is now permitted to marry her first husband, or she can marry a third man, or she can remain unmarried. Because she is now permitted (halal) to marry her first husband, it is called Halalah. Halalah is by no means a procedure for remarriage after Triple Talaq. Those women who enter into a contract marriage with a man on condition that he would divorce her after consummation of the marriage so that she can remarry her first husband commit 

a grave sin. Imam Tirmizi quotes a Hadith on the authority of Abdullah ibn Mas’ood that Prophet Muhammad ﷺ has cursed the participants of such arranged Halalahs. Halalah as a natural process is completely legit, but an arranged Halalah has no place in Islam.